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mookin
Senior Member
Joined: 09/April/2010
Location: Czech Republic
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Posts: 97
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   Topic: My partner can't deal
Posted: 31/August/2010 at 11:25am |
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Sadly since I lost my hair, there's no denying it, my partner doesn't find me attractive anymore.
He's sweet and supportive and says he still wants to be with me, but all intimacy has ground to an absolute halt. And it's been this way for about 6 months. Wigs, makeup nothing seems to make any difference.
I'm not really sure what to do. My confidence is already kind of battered and this isn't helping. We've talked about it and he swears blind it's not the alopecia but quite obviously the timing suggests that it is.
Has anyone else had this trouble? Did you ever manage to get over it?
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Be brave of heart
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BeeJay
Super Member
Joined: 07/June/2006
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 1589
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Posted: 31/August/2010 at 4:01pm |
Mookin, I hate to say this, but actually he could well be right!!!
Because ali-p rips us apart, makes us lose confidence, we can become different people. Perhaps short tempered, or quick to jump to conclusions, or or or.... but its ali-p mind games, not the actual hair loss itself. And we don't realise we're doing things different, or having a different attitude or causing grief to others. Or boring people stupid by talking about it all the time.... or scaring them silly, because we refuse to talk about the pain of it.
I know from my own experience that EVERYTHING bad in my life was the total fault of alopecia. No matter what, a big issue or a small, a passing comment or a full on tirade, all the fault of ali-p. I had to learn via counselling that yes, some things are absolutely 100% to do with alopecia, other issues are triggered by it, as in changing my attitude, so I bear some responsibility, and some things have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with alopecia, and I am fully responsible for attitude or the way I handle situations.
Its very hard, but if your partner is a genuine loving, kind person, can you not do him the honour of believing what he says?
If it were the other way around would you be thinking any less of him, would you reject him. Would you be hurt to think he could think that of you? May be the problem is the ali-p voice is talking far louder (as its prone to do) than the voice of your partner.
Take care
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BJ
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jjmike12
Newbie
Joined: 31/August/2010
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 3
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Posted: 01/September/2010 at 2:50am |
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I think you need to make another move.. Your relationship will end up easily if you can't get solve it now.
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Ray H
Super Member
Joined: 20/November/2007
Location: United Kingdom
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 802
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Posted: 02/September/2010 at 9:19am |
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If "all intimacy has ground to an absolute halt" perhaps your partner has a problem?????
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Onwards and upwards.
Shaving my head was liberating!!!!!!!!
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Jacko667
Super Member
Joined: 07/January/2007
Location: New Zealand
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 190
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Posted: 02/September/2010 at 11:01pm |
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I was thinking that. Men aren't the best at opening up but are good at bottling everything up and putting on a tough guy face :)
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http://www.paralympics.org.nz/
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mookin
Senior Member
Joined: 09/April/2010
Location: Czech Republic
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 97
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Posted: Yesterday at 6:56pm |
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Well he ended it with me two days ago so I guess his problem isn't my problem anymore. The timing of the decline was one hell of a coincidence. At least I suppose he managed to wait until at least two days after my birthday... just.
Oh my... single and bald. This is going to be interesting challenge in self confidence! At least I know that if I meet anyone else they'll sure as hell love me for my personality!
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Be brave of heart
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Elaine Bruce
Super Member
Joined: 15/February/2009
Location: United Kingdom
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 242
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Posted: Yesterday at 8:37pm |
Hi Mookin,
I'm so sorry. Sending you hugs  . Try and remember - we are more than just hair - you will meet someone else and they will love you whether you have hair or not.
Take care x
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Be bald, bold and beautiful!!
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juliebun
Newbie
Joined: 02/August/2010
Location: United Kingdom
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 19
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Posted: Today at 12:24am |
Aww, Mookin, sounds in a way you are going to be better off without him. I was going to post on this earlier in the week before your update, but computer crashed. I could really relate to your post as I got my aa 18 months into a relationship and funnily enough same thing happened. Everything fine and intimate one minute, gone the next - along with my hair. The relationship never recovered, my confidence never has either. I know people have different ways of dealing with stuff, but fact is for some people it is a barrier. I would have loved just a few conversations where he sat me down, held me and said, 'well it makes no difference, I still think you're gorgeous'. He never did, I guess he just never felt the same way about me. We split a few years later - yes we stuck it out, but it was never a good relationship and as ever, I felt I burdened him with my aa and my change in my personality. He later admitted that aa was 'gross' (How nice!) My Mum had a go at him over that one.
Still, we remain friends and he supports me in my current DPC treatment, but no matter what support he has given me over the years, nothing would have counted for as much as his acceptance in those early days.
Sending a big hug to you, if it is actually over, then hoping it's just a matter of time until you find someone a lot better. Julie
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millie123
Super Member
Joined: 01/April/2009
Location: Northern Ireland
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 346
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Posted: Today at 4:26am |
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Hi Mookin
Sorry to read about what has happened to you. AA takes an awful toll on the self esteem and often other people find it too difficult to deal with. This is a bad time for you, but you must remember it isnt your fault that this happened. Chances are this man wasn't the one you were meant to end up with in the long term.
You will meet someone else, and when you do, don't make any apologies for your having alopecia.
I steered well clear of men for a while when this happened but when away on holiday last year I decided I would throw it out there and see what sort of reaction I got from this guy. He was from the states so I figured I would never have to see him again anyway. Thankfully it was positive and i have not looked back. Not only was he cool about it but he was handsome, charming, funny, all the boxes ticked. We are not sailing off to get married; once was enough for me; but we stayed in touch and have booked another holiday together this October so who knows.
Since taking the plunge last summer I have been quite busy on the dating front and the alopecia has not really hindered anything. I'm not looking for a serious relationship but if I was it would be ok.
Try not to worry. There are plenty of men who will find you attractive with or without hair. I found that once i got a little confidence back things are not much different than they were before on the man front - apart from being careful about who and when
I tell.
I hope things get better for you soon
sending you hugs
Michelle xx
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Derek Jeter rocks my world
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deirdre
Senior Member
Joined: 10/March/2008
Location: Ireland
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 138
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Posted: Today at 3:51pm |
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Hi mookin, just wanted to extend hugs and love your way, break ups are always hard without the added feeling that alopecia caused it. It would be my idea that it was coincidental, personally, sounds like he had other issues at work. But of course I don't know.
Take time to heal, and take care your yourself!
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